Journey of recovery

I used to have lots of down days. I say "used to" because they used to happen (like a lot) but I hardly get them these days. Or at least I don't dwell in it.

I remember my childhood-high school days as very depressing. (I'm not trying to gain sympathy here but just telling the truth) I would cry myself to sleep, bang my head against the wall, punch the wall (although that failed pretty badly) and maybe kinda cut myself. I would have suicidal thoughts. I didn't want to live. I see no purpose. All I wanna do is skip ahead of time. It wasn't until the last year of high school that I told myself that I'm never going to think suicidal thoughts and focus on getting out of town so I can start fresh. I couldn't wait to go to college so my life would change for the better. 

So I did. I went to college. but I was still depressed. I keep telling myself, "Well, at least I won't kill myself". It wasn't doing any good to me. I remember telling my mom vaguely that I was sad. She did encouraged me to get over it but as any kid would do, I didn't listen to her. I thought that she doesn't understand me. Typical kid. There were days that I didn't want to get out of bed. I would only get out of bed for school, work or if I had appointments and maybe food. Speaking of food, during the first few years of college, I didn't eat a lot. My mum was worried that I wasn't eating at all, which was true, I didn't eat. Most days of the week. The only time I ate was when I was with friends. I didn't have the appetite to eat. I couldn't be bothered. That was one of the reason how I lost 20kg. Looking back, I can't imagine the old me not eating. Although I do skip a meal or two sometimes now but not on purpose. 

Things started getting better in July (I think) this year (or was it June... August??). I made that conscious effort to get out of bed. I hardly linger in bed now. I've searched for happy quotes. Trying to find my purpose in life and really doing something about it.

I've come to realized that everyday I get less depressed and I've got the internet to thank. I've been watching a lot of videos lately. From youtube to combination of vines to random videos. and also different posts. Buzzfeed being one of them. I'm amazed at how much awesomeness people come up with.

I guess what I really want to say is that, fill your life with happy things. Sure, there are some bad things, but look on the brighter side of life. There are days where I allow myself to be really upset but with the condition that I don't dwell in it. Find some encouragement. Get out. Fill your life with amazing things, amazing people. Surround yourself with good people. Push yourself to be better. Make that conscious effort to be better.

"It is a conscious effort to be better."

I like to think I've come a long way. I do think I have a long journey to go but a lot has changed come to think of it. Everyday is a new day and I don't want to waste it on feeling bad about myself.

 To those out there that are feeling depressed or similar to that, please do something about it. Personally, growing up, I didn't had anyone to talk to about my issues(or rather the right people) and that killed me even more. Keeping all of that inside. Don't give up. It gets frustrating and sometimes it feels that the world doesn't understand but do you want to change? Do you allow help? Talk to someone. Please.


Anyways, yeah, this is a small part of the story. My journey.

I look forward to say "That was my past and I'll never put myself in that situation anymore". There's so much to be joyful about.

Thank you for reading

and have a nice day!

Teachers

I know it isn't Teacher's Day but I just felt that I need to write this now.
I have a lot of teachers that have come into my life. Some I remember and some I don't.

These are the two main stories of the teachers that have made some sort of impact in my life. 

I have this Mathematics teacher that I love when I was 16-17. She was the best I ever had. I think I had her when I was 15 too, I don't remember. I love Maths btw. Sidetrack a bit, throughout my history of Maths teacher, they got better(in terms of teaching) and nicer(in terms of well, everything) as I grew older. I used to be pretty bad at it but once I started getting a better teacher, I actually got pretty good very fast and it was one of my top subjects. Anyways, back to this particular teacher. I think everyone liked her. Yeah she was nice to everyone but she was good at what she does too. I got closer to her when I told her I wanted to take Additional Maths as an extra subject for the major exam which is SPM. Moving from a Science class to an Art class (by choice), I have to take this class out of school hours. Everyone didn't like this subject as it was the hardest. I don't remember my reason for taking it. I guess because I love Maths so much. Knowing that I am good at Maths, she helped me in the progress of applying for it. Although I didn't follow through with it, she encouraged me all the way. She would make sure I continue to work hard. If my grades dropped a bit, she would help me out. If I had a question or problem, she would help me. She would joke around with her students and be serious when she needs to. Although she doesn't remember who I am anymore (even less than a year of graduation), I was happy that she was one of the teachers that made life in school a whole lot bearable. 

Fast forward to four years later when I went to National Service (a camp program for selected youths in Malaysia) after college. There was this period of time where we would compete in different sports among the four companies. It was also the time when the teachers could see whether we would be good enough to be chosen to compete with the other camps. Being a sports lover, I joined basketball, netball and considered futsal as well. I thought I only have time to compete in basketball and netball but when it was over and futsal was still going on, my company-mates asked if I wanted to join them. So I joined and became the goal keeper for the last game. We didn't win but after the game, the teacher-in-charge approached me and asked if I would want to join the team. I told her I was interested but I have already said yes to basketball and considered netball as well. As the weeks went by and training was starting soon, we exchanged a few conversation to try to make it possible for me to be on the team. If all the competition was going on for the same slot, I could have been in all three teams. I was disappointed that I couldn't. Anyways, she didn't do much but she believed in me and that was what I needed when I was in camp. I was actually going through a tough time. I started to get depressed more and she was there at the right moment. 

---

I think that teachers play an important role in everyone's life. They are the ones who spend the most time in a child's life. They have the power to impact or destroy it. Honestly, I don't remember a lot of what they have taught me but I do remember how they made me feel. Good or bad.

 
One of the things I remember in one Malay tuition class was that there cannot be two "K's" if the word has a "ke-" on the front. In one English class, "may" is for most likely and "might" is for less likely.

To all the teachers out there, thank you for your hard work, your efforts, your patience and just everything in general. 

"Education is the key to success in life, and teachers make a lasting impact in the lives of their students." - Solomon Ortiz

"A teacher affects eternity; he can never tell where his influence stops." -Henry Adams

P.S. I did consider being a teacher before. 

Thanks for reading and have a nice day!

 

 

The escape

It never occurred to me until now why I was so interested in Alice in Wonderland and Peter Pan other than the costumes and set and the fact that I have ideas for several art piece. I was interested in the fact that both story is about going to another land. 

When I was in high school, all I ever wanted was to get out. Getting out of my situation, my location, etc. I felt stuck. I didn't get what I imagined high school to be. I wanted to escape and constantly wishing that I was somewhere else. Alice went into a world where things doesn't make sense but it does. Peter was in a land where he never had to worry about aging, being able to do anything he wishes and not worrying. I wanted to feel free and away from everyone and come into a place where I felt loved or even a place where I had true friends that I don't have to be fake around them. 

Growing up, I've always pretended. Faking my way through life. I try to not do that now but it's kind of hard to let go of something completely that you've been doing for years. I still feel that I need to pretend. The world wants me to smile so that they don't have to see my natural bitch face but I want to smile because I'm genuine about it. I want to smile for the real reasons. I want a smile that doesn't take a lot of energy to make. But the world always wins and I'm not happy. I really look forward to the day that I smile genuinely and say "I'm happy, I'm truly happy". 

 

Anyways, thank you for reading 

and I really hope and pray that you have a nice day.

The girl who grew and the boy who didn't

For the past few years I've been fascinated with Alice in Wonderland and Peter Pan especially with Alice in wonderland. I've never read the books on it but I have watched many versions of them. 

When I was a kid, I had a dream. Kind of like an additional story to Peter Pan which focused on the other characters. At first I was very sure I watched a movie of it because it was so vivid. From the costumes to the sets to the actors, it all felt real, exactly like a movie. Over the years, I've have searched all possible Pan related movies, videos or stories. I came back with non. I've accepted that it was indeed a dream, but if anyone has any information on it, please let me know. 

I've forgotten most parts because it ha been many many many years since it happened but the story goes something like this. There was a part on Tinkerbell. Being with Pan all those years, she fell in love with him. Then one day she was granted a wish, which was to be human or human sized. When the both of them finally met after she changed, he didn't quite recognized her but after spending some time together, he realized it was her. Days passed and she finally told him that she has loved him all these while. Pan rejected her (he was a kid and she was an adult, they couldn't be together anyways). She was upset and she turned back into a fairy. 

Then the other part was about Hook. Instead of being at sea, he was on land. He lived among the market area but at his "home" was a big empty circle land. Like in those movie where there were buildings surrounding a fountain except in Hook's story, there wasn't a fountain. It was sometimes transformed into those fight rings. (If you want to imagine it, it's like those 90s movie where they had bull or cock fight etc) Btw, the setting is like a dock but on land, complete with those cabin you see near the docks, with those wooden steps and barrels etc. Anyways one day, there was a fight show going on, Hook was minding his business when he hears that ticking sound. He grew scared. Turns out the crocodile he feared came into the ring. Hook came out and saw it. Then you know how the story goes with Hook and the crocodile. He runs, it tries to attack. Oh man, if you could see it, because I do a very bad job at explaining this to you. If I could illustrate it I would, but I'm bad at that too. I really hope this is a movie because I wanna "watch" it again. If this was a dream, I think I could have something to do with that movie I watched but forgot the title about a group of people in the safari or something who found new tiger pubs, raised them and somehow one of the cub was taken away and was raised as those animal they use for those fight show with other tigers. This one was a good movie I highly recommend. 

By the way, I drew a very nice picture of Peter Pan, the cartoon version, which was the only nice picture I could draw, til now. 

I've always been fascinated at costumes and when I watched the Alice in Wonderland movie version in 2010, I fell in love with it. Even though the main reason I first wanted to watch it was because of Avril Lavigne. I do plan to get the book though. I watched it a few times at this point. Loving Anne Hathaway in it and loving the costumes even more the more I watched it. When I was in college, for my final project in the first semester for the model making class, I didn't know what to do until one night I had a dream of an idea(these is how I get most of my art piece ideas fyi). It was Alice positioned like a trapeze artist in a box. I thought of adding "Eat Me", "Drink Me", Mad Hatter's hat and tea cup set. Being me and being unfamiliar with the material I used to make it, it didn't turn out the way I planned it although I had a good mark for it. Which is why I intend to recreate it, doing my best to create the closes to what I wanted it to be. 

Which leads me to my next point. I've planned a few art piece related to these two stories. Been doing a lot of research on both stories. I wanted to get all the facts right, from the story line to the characters to the costumes but after awhile, since there is so many versions of it especially Alice in Wonderland, I've decided to not be so caught up on it because it is an art piece and I can interpret it whichever way I want it to be. Alice has been my longest project on my mind and Peter has only been less than a year old. I was inspired to do Peter Pan when I heard "Neverland" by Zendaya. I recommend you go listen to it. 

The problem I have now is lack of time as I have projects coming in and out plus other ideas that come up but I'm very determined to get it done. I shall post it up when I finish it. Watch this space.

Thank you for reading!

Have a nice day!

Courage

Not long ago Caitlyn Jenner was given an award for having courage to be who she is right now and many people were offended by that. Articles were written, posts were posted and videos were made about people deserved that award more than she did. Honestly speaking, I don't really know whether she deserved that award, but I do know that she had the courage to go through what she did. You don't know how Caitlyn was feeling all those years. You didn't see the pain behind closed doors. You don't know what was going on in her mind. Some people weren't as accepting because they don't understand, offended by what people called the face of courage. You see, it takes courage to not only tell the world who you really are but to also break free from that.

So what is courage really all about?

A lot of people seem to have different opinions on what courage is. You are in fact entitled to your opinion. According to the dictionary, it means the ability to do something that frightens one. It is the strength in the face of pain or grief. 

To me, courage is the ability to do something when not many approves. Courage is taking that leap of faith when you are hoping for the best. Courage is getting back up when you have fallen so many times. Courage doesn't need to be a giant gesture. Sometimes it's the little things that needs the most courage. It should also not be taken lightly because it may take time. For some people, it may be easier. To some, it may be the hardest thing to have. To have courage to do something that you believe in. Like that dream job you wanted but afraid to apply, that girl/boy you wanted to ask out on a date, or that last slice of pizza everyone is eyeing on. Courage is about making that step. It doesn't matter what people think whether you were brave or not because what matters is you taking that step. That step to achieve what is best for you.

Over the years, a few people have told me that I have courage. The fact that I moved to another state when I went to college technically all by myself , have gone to many places on my own, put myself in dangerous situations etc. To me really, I just need to do them because sometimes you are going to

be in situations where it pushes one to have courage to do something. Without courage of some sort, a lot of things in life wouldn't happen. We would all be sitting in the dark all crawled up. Thing is, we just gotta try. Try to have a little courage and you would see that things would be different. 

The key is to find a support system. Family, friends, or that random stranger you see sitting across the room. Tell people your struggles. We all have them but we aren't alone is this world to go through it together. Or you can find a quote or a role model. That works too.

So, is there certain things in life you need to have courage for? Proposing to someone, setting out a new business venture, traveling by yourself? Whatever it is, as long it's not a criminal offense, I support you wherever you are. 

Here's to you for finding your courage!

and thank you for reading my jibber jabber. 

Have a nice day! :)

If only/I wish.. back then

I have been thinking about this for awhile now but I always forget what I want to write. (I feel like such a goldfish sometimes, one second later forget things)

I was having a conversation with a friend the other day and I told her that I regret not doing much during my school days. I didn't quite like my high school years. Although I have friends, a few great teachers, some good memories and a few achievements but I regret not doing more. Yes I could score high marks for certain subjects but that kept me from not trying my best for the other subjects. Although most of the things I learn in high school doesn't apply to me in real life, but if you told me I could go back in time, my education would be one of the things I would change(high school education, not much of my college). However, I do not regret changing from Science stream to Art stream. Although doing that was the reason I couldn't apply to the Polytechnics in Singapore(but ending up in KL wasn't such a bad thing, will explain in another post). I would also like to change how I spend my spare time. I keep telling myself that I'm very limited, I don't have the resources, I don't have the freedom, I can't do this, I can't do that right now or I could do this later on when I'm in college. It was excuses I kept giving myself. I had plans. Plans for the future. I planned out what I was going to do in college that I felt restricted to do during my high school days. But... I did the same when I was in college. I pushed my plans to "after college". I felt less restricted but I procrastinate. Like a lot. 

I regret not using my time wisely. I'm paying for it really badly now. I spend my time looking forward to something rather than to do something in the present.

I wish I could go back and change things but I can't. I wish that I would make full use of my time back then.
That's why I told myself that 2015 was the year that I would try to stop pushing things(less procrastinating) and to not look forward to certain things too much(I guess it is like living in the moment?). Looking forward isn't exactly a bad thing but looking forward while forgetting to live in the present is. 

You can't have a future without doing something in the present. Do not dwell in the past but rather learn from it. 

"We can't both change the past as much as we want to, the best we could do is remember it, learn from it and move forward. Hopefully together." - Catherine, Beauty and the Beast
 
I still procrastinate from time to time but I am doing what I've planned. It is a slow process but at least I'm finally doing it. 

So what are the things in the past that you wished that you would have done differently? Was it your studies? Was it your relationship with someone? Was it a bad habit? 

I'm not expecting that you take my advice. That's for you to judge. but really, just think about it. Sometimes it is good to reflect certain things in life. Don't dwell, but think about it.




Thank you for reading and have a nice day. 

Things that make me cry

So there are a few things in life that make me cry.

 This isn't the complete list but yeah. (There may be a part 2)

 

1. Sad stuff that happens in my life.

Well this is kinda obvious right?

2. When I get too stressed out.

It is worst when I'm working on something and I hear something bad being said to me or the people I'm working with. I'm sensitive like that. but good thing about this is that I feel a bit better when I cry it all out(but sometimes it gets stuck and only a bit of tears come out)

3. When the right song is matched with a touching video.

4. Videos of Army guys and their families.

Such as this video. 

5. Videos like this. 

Except the second last guy. That was creepy. but yeah, was crying most parts. It hit me hard when Simon hit that button. This video has a lot of *refer to point 3*.

6. Passion.

When a person works their butts off for something that are really into. When they put their heart into it. and when they are being recognized for it. 

7. Soul.

 When a person sings with all their might so full of passion. 

E.g. Calum Scott from Britain's Got Talent.

8. Unity.

Seriously, the world needs more of this. When two hearts come together and then joined by another and another(not talking bout love here ok). CRAIII

Ok, so most of my points are related and yes I was watching that video *refer to point 5* when I wrote this but I have been thinking about this for awhile. The video just reminded me. 

Anyways,

Thank you for reading and have a nice day!