Death

Death. It is one of the things that I think a lot about. There was a point in my life that I didn't care about death. I was at a low point of my life at that moment. Since that has passed, now death, to me is like, you die, you either go heaven or hell, and then? I'm not saying going to heaven is not a sweet deal but the idea of all eternity spending forever in one situation is kinda scary to me. What if I end up in hell instead? There's no coming out of that. Forever. OK, this is me being stupid but I can't help but think of that.

Anyways, the reason I'm writing this is because I couldn't sleep last night and my mind went wandering and I start thinking about the next few days, that leads to me going home, that leads to the people back home that leads to my grandma, that leads to her death, that leads to my aunt's death which is coming to its first anniversary. 

This really isn't about deaths, more like about the people who died.

There has been a lot of deaths for the past 13 months. Especially in my family but I'm just going to mention two because it's immediate family. 

The first one being my aunt. Her passing away was one of the biggest shock I could ever received over the phone. My sister called my one day and she just said, "Kim Kim(my aunt) just passed away". I just broke down right there and then. She was on vacation visiting her daughter whom is giving birth soon(she died days after her grandkid was born). I knew she was hospitalized for a condition she had for years but I didn't know how serious it was. It was a complete shock to me. I wouldn't say she's my favourite aunt, but she is one amazing lady. I remember she would always buy my family and I dinner, buy me stuff and just showered her love for us. She would always say(after every meal she bought me), "When you start working, you can buy me dinner". I never got the chance to repay her. I was already working then but I didn't earn enough to buy people dinners and I wasn't back in my hometown often enough to do so too. I'm not like super close to her but we were close enough to spend family time almost every week until I left hometown. Til this day, when I see her profile pop up on FB(this is the lady that rejects FB for the longest time) or see her picture anywhere I get real emotional. I still have the messages she would sent to me on special occasions. My mom said that at least she gets to see her grandkid(which she has been waiting for years). I miss her. In the next few weeks my cousins would be going back home for her anniversary. Yay for family reunions but :( for um well you know...

Next it's my grandma. This one wasn't a shocker. She passed away in May. She has been sick for awhile now and the fact that she can live this long when the doctor said it was serious was already amazing. I was back for the holidays and so was my sister and just so happen that she passed away that same week we came back. I guess it's something like she waited for us to come home for her to go. The night before she died, my family and I plus a few aunts and uncles stayed over at the hospital. Honestly, as much as I love my grandma, I couldn't even go close to her to say hi when I arrived(went straight after I landed) or even bye when we had the funeral(because the family had to walk around her, apparently). I couldn't stand seeing her in that condition. For the past few days I was so agitated that the tiniest ridiculous request to do something during the wake pissed the hell of me. I didn't want to talk to anyone. but I had to when people came to visit. Very much annoyed. 

but I'm glad she passed away peacefully( I think). Sad that she isn't "saved" yet. I realized I have a few more things to say about my grandma but I'm gonna leave it to another post.

and I still can't believe that my aunt and grandma has passed away. I guess when you are away from home, you don't really feel it(which is why I feel it when I go back). 

A lil quicky here, although this death in particular isn't within the past 13 months but I would like to say that I still very much in fact miss a certain aunt that I lost many years ago. When she passed away, I got my first phone because my mom wanted to be able to contact me when she went away for the funeral and settled whatever that was going on. I couldn't celebrate the fact I was gonna be one of the kids who is cool enough to have a phone among my friends. This particular aunt, happens to be my favourite, but I was never close to her per say because she lives in another city. She was murdered actually. I still can't find myself to forgive that guy who did it. Trying to but years passed and I still haven't. Thought I did but nope, not yet. There's a whole story to it but I won't say because I don't particularly know the whole story. I miss her. Very much.

I hope this post doesn't make you sad. I just want to tell you to not wait. Do not wait, to tell a certain someone that you care for them, that you love them, that they mean something to you, that they make your world a little better. Do not waste time. It's very precious. Spend time with your love ones. Try to reconcile any argument.

I do hope you have a nice day and thanks for reading my so-called rants.

:)