At some point I was royalty.

So I had this dream.
It's weird. I promise you it's weird and stupid, but then again, all my dreams don't make sense most of the time.

It started me and a bunch of other people(which I came to learn that they are the same people from "my land") being held hostage. I only found out a bit later that the setting was set in medieval time. It was weird because some part of it felt like modern times as well. 

Ok, so me and this bunch of people were tied up and sitting in one line at the wall when this guy next to me started fidgeting and getting a bit crazy. Then this girl next to me pass me a bottle of pills. Somehow I took out one pill and pass the whole bottle to the guy. He continued on fidgeting shaking his head and all. So much so that one of the kidnapper noticed the bottle and took it from him to which I pass him that one pill that I took out. Then the girl (somehow when I see this girl I see Emma Roberts) next to me informed me that she has requested for a rescue mission. Somehow within those few minutes we were able to break free. So me and the others broke free and went charging to fight the kidnappers(suddenly there were swords available to us). Apparently at this point of time Emma-Roberts-look-alike and I became good friends and she informed us that help is on the way. So we were running and charging and we came to this foyer with huge arches for a gates. I saw this man dressed in a blue glittery robe with those gold crown thing like Caesar's floating right at the gates at the side and as we were running towards the gates he was declaring something like "Only those that possesses the letter P shall pass". Now in my head my name starts with K and there is no way I'm gonna pass(but apparently having the letter P means you posses a certain characteristics of someone true to their calling that comes with courage and what not yada yada I'm not completely sure). So I turned back and fight the other people charging towards my "gang" and Emma pulled me towards the gates and immediately we enter another world. It was the same location but we entered like this zone where only the one with permission to enter can be in it. In this case it was the zone filled with those blue glittery people. It was like a safe haven. And so we were walking up this stairs and somehow our clothes were changed into those blue glittery robes. There was only eleven of us(the rescued) who made it out and we walked two by two to the main gates of this safe haven except for me. I was walking out of the main line and suddenly this guy(I presume is one of the main officers) greeted me and asked if I was the leader of the group. I said no and he pointed at my head. Apparently I was wearing something else the others wasn't and that was a gold crown shaped like antlers. Emma smiled at me and nod ensuring that I was their leader. Apparently a crown like that will appear on a true leader on this safe haven. So that was it, I woke up. We were the only people left from our land and we worked with those Safe Haven people to claim back our kingdom from the bad guys(some other kingdom that their soldiers dress in black and red armors) which some were are kidnappers.
That was Part 1.
Trust me when I say Part 2 is very short. 

So this somehow magically continued.

On our journey to reclaim back our kingdom, we didn't know which kingdom we could trust and so we attacked this "white armored" kingdom(imagine the white queen from Alice in Wonderland). The scene starts with me and two other dudes going around the castle spying and what not. We got discovered and we went to hide. Being trapped in a room, we tried to escape through the window. When I tried, we got caught, the two guys with me got killed and I killed the one who killed them. Being a chicken, I ran, I ran to this carriage and left the place. I just remembered that I was so upset with myself as I left my men there together with Emma-look-alike as hostage there. 

Then I woke up. Told you it was short.

Told you it was weird and stupid. but thanks for reading whatever I remembered from my dreams. 

I tried continuing it by the way, my kingdom became great allies with the white armored kingdom in the end.

Have a nice day! :)

New Year and a quick recap of 2015

Happy New Year! 

I cannot believe is 2016 already. Time does past by so fast.

2015 has been a rough year as I have lost a few loved ones and gone through different problems such as personal issues and work. Regardless, I had a good year too. I have learn a lot in this one year being in different situation, I have been given a few opportunities and I had a few experiences. I also had the opportunity to work with some amazing bunch of people with amazing talents whom I have gotten close to and I am so happy to have them in my life. They just made life worth the living.

If I would to sum it up, I would say that 2015 was the year I had balls. What I mean is courage. I have done a few things that I was afraid of doing in the past. Although some situations I was push to make a move but in the beginning of 2015 I told myself that I need to change. I need to start doing things. I need to do it for me. I need to push myself. I cannot expect things to happen on its own or drop from the skies. I think I still have a lot to work on but I made a whole lot of progress than I did two years back. I can finally say and mean it when I say I am one step closer to my dreams.

It is only Day 2 of 2016 but I can tell that it is going to be a great year. I am really looking forward to the rest of 2016.

What I plan for 2016.

Growing my relationship with God and actually doing it.
Growing my relationship with loved ones.

Growing my business.
And my health and fitness.

How was 2015 for you? What do you plan to do in 2016 that you did not get to do last year?

I wish you all the best in your journey. I pray that this year would be an even better year for you. 

 Once again, Happy New Year!

*yes I drew that* 


 Thanks for reading and Have A Nice Day! :)

Death

Death. It is one of the things that I think a lot about. There was a point in my life that I didn't care about death. I was at a low point of my life at that moment. Since that has passed, now death, to me is like, you die, you either go heaven or hell, and then? I'm not saying going to heaven is not a sweet deal but the idea of all eternity spending forever in one situation is kinda scary to me. What if I end up in hell instead? There's no coming out of that. Forever. OK, this is me being stupid but I can't help but think of that.

Anyways, the reason I'm writing this is because I couldn't sleep last night and my mind went wandering and I start thinking about the next few days, that leads to me going home, that leads to the people back home that leads to my grandma, that leads to her death, that leads to my aunt's death which is coming to its first anniversary. 

This really isn't about deaths, more like about the people who died.

There has been a lot of deaths for the past 13 months. Especially in my family but I'm just going to mention two because it's immediate family. 

The first one being my aunt. Her passing away was one of the biggest shock I could ever received over the phone. My sister called my one day and she just said, "Kim Kim(my aunt) just passed away". I just broke down right there and then. She was on vacation visiting her daughter whom is giving birth soon(she died days after her grandkid was born). I knew she was hospitalized for a condition she had for years but I didn't know how serious it was. It was a complete shock to me. I wouldn't say she's my favourite aunt, but she is one amazing lady. I remember she would always buy my family and I dinner, buy me stuff and just showered her love for us. She would always say(after every meal she bought me), "When you start working, you can buy me dinner". I never got the chance to repay her. I was already working then but I didn't earn enough to buy people dinners and I wasn't back in my hometown often enough to do so too. I'm not like super close to her but we were close enough to spend family time almost every week until I left hometown. Til this day, when I see her profile pop up on FB(this is the lady that rejects FB for the longest time) or see her picture anywhere I get real emotional. I still have the messages she would sent to me on special occasions. My mom said that at least she gets to see her grandkid(which she has been waiting for years). I miss her. In the next few weeks my cousins would be going back home for her anniversary. Yay for family reunions but :( for um well you know...

Next it's my grandma. This one wasn't a shocker. She passed away in May. She has been sick for awhile now and the fact that she can live this long when the doctor said it was serious was already amazing. I was back for the holidays and so was my sister and just so happen that she passed away that same week we came back. I guess it's something like she waited for us to come home for her to go. The night before she died, my family and I plus a few aunts and uncles stayed over at the hospital. Honestly, as much as I love my grandma, I couldn't even go close to her to say hi when I arrived(went straight after I landed) or even bye when we had the funeral(because the family had to walk around her, apparently). I couldn't stand seeing her in that condition. For the past few days I was so agitated that the tiniest ridiculous request to do something during the wake pissed the hell of me. I didn't want to talk to anyone. but I had to when people came to visit. Very much annoyed. 

but I'm glad she passed away peacefully( I think). Sad that she isn't "saved" yet. I realized I have a few more things to say about my grandma but I'm gonna leave it to another post.

and I still can't believe that my aunt and grandma has passed away. I guess when you are away from home, you don't really feel it(which is why I feel it when I go back). 

A lil quicky here, although this death in particular isn't within the past 13 months but I would like to say that I still very much in fact miss a certain aunt that I lost many years ago. When she passed away, I got my first phone because my mom wanted to be able to contact me when she went away for the funeral and settled whatever that was going on. I couldn't celebrate the fact I was gonna be one of the kids who is cool enough to have a phone among my friends. This particular aunt, happens to be my favourite, but I was never close to her per say because she lives in another city. She was murdered actually. I still can't find myself to forgive that guy who did it. Trying to but years passed and I still haven't. Thought I did but nope, not yet. There's a whole story to it but I won't say because I don't particularly know the whole story. I miss her. Very much.

I hope this post doesn't make you sad. I just want to tell you to not wait. Do not wait, to tell a certain someone that you care for them, that you love them, that they mean something to you, that they make your world a little better. Do not waste time. It's very precious. Spend time with your love ones. Try to reconcile any argument.

I do hope you have a nice day and thanks for reading my so-called rants.

:)

 

Journey of recovery

I used to have lots of down days. I say "used to" because they used to happen (like a lot) but I hardly get them these days. Or at least I don't dwell in it.

I remember my childhood-high school days as very depressing. (I'm not trying to gain sympathy here but just telling the truth) I would cry myself to sleep, bang my head against the wall, punch the wall (although that failed pretty badly) and maybe kinda cut myself. I would have suicidal thoughts. I didn't want to live. I see no purpose. All I wanna do is skip ahead of time. It wasn't until the last year of high school that I told myself that I'm never going to think suicidal thoughts and focus on getting out of town so I can start fresh. I couldn't wait to go to college so my life would change for the better. 

So I did. I went to college. but I was still depressed. I keep telling myself, "Well, at least I won't kill myself". It wasn't doing any good to me. I remember telling my mom vaguely that I was sad. She did encouraged me to get over it but as any kid would do, I didn't listen to her. I thought that she doesn't understand me. Typical kid. There were days that I didn't want to get out of bed. I would only get out of bed for school, work or if I had appointments and maybe food. Speaking of food, during the first few years of college, I didn't eat a lot. My mum was worried that I wasn't eating at all, which was true, I didn't eat. Most days of the week. The only time I ate was when I was with friends. I didn't have the appetite to eat. I couldn't be bothered. That was one of the reason how I lost 20kg. Looking back, I can't imagine the old me not eating. Although I do skip a meal or two sometimes now but not on purpose. 

Things started getting better in July (I think) this year (or was it June... August??). I made that conscious effort to get out of bed. I hardly linger in bed now. I've searched for happy quotes. Trying to find my purpose in life and really doing something about it.

I've come to realized that everyday I get less depressed and I've got the internet to thank. I've been watching a lot of videos lately. From youtube to combination of vines to random videos. and also different posts. Buzzfeed being one of them. I'm amazed at how much awesomeness people come up with.

I guess what I really want to say is that, fill your life with happy things. Sure, there are some bad things, but look on the brighter side of life. There are days where I allow myself to be really upset but with the condition that I don't dwell in it. Find some encouragement. Get out. Fill your life with amazing things, amazing people. Surround yourself with good people. Push yourself to be better. Make that conscious effort to be better.

"It is a conscious effort to be better."

I like to think I've come a long way. I do think I have a long journey to go but a lot has changed come to think of it. Everyday is a new day and I don't want to waste it on feeling bad about myself.

 To those out there that are feeling depressed or similar to that, please do something about it. Personally, growing up, I didn't had anyone to talk to about my issues(or rather the right people) and that killed me even more. Keeping all of that inside. Don't give up. It gets frustrating and sometimes it feels that the world doesn't understand but do you want to change? Do you allow help? Talk to someone. Please.


Anyways, yeah, this is a small part of the story. My journey.

I look forward to say "That was my past and I'll never put myself in that situation anymore". There's so much to be joyful about.

Thank you for reading

and have a nice day!

Teachers

I know it isn't Teacher's Day but I just felt that I need to write this now.
I have a lot of teachers that have come into my life. Some I remember and some I don't.

These are the two main stories of the teachers that have made some sort of impact in my life. 

I have this Mathematics teacher that I love when I was 16-17. She was the best I ever had. I think I had her when I was 15 too, I don't remember. I love Maths btw. Sidetrack a bit, throughout my history of Maths teacher, they got better(in terms of teaching) and nicer(in terms of well, everything) as I grew older. I used to be pretty bad at it but once I started getting a better teacher, I actually got pretty good very fast and it was one of my top subjects. Anyways, back to this particular teacher. I think everyone liked her. Yeah she was nice to everyone but she was good at what she does too. I got closer to her when I told her I wanted to take Additional Maths as an extra subject for the major exam which is SPM. Moving from a Science class to an Art class (by choice), I have to take this class out of school hours. Everyone didn't like this subject as it was the hardest. I don't remember my reason for taking it. I guess because I love Maths so much. Knowing that I am good at Maths, she helped me in the progress of applying for it. Although I didn't follow through with it, she encouraged me all the way. She would make sure I continue to work hard. If my grades dropped a bit, she would help me out. If I had a question or problem, she would help me. She would joke around with her students and be serious when she needs to. Although she doesn't remember who I am anymore (even less than a year of graduation), I was happy that she was one of the teachers that made life in school a whole lot bearable. 

Fast forward to four years later when I went to National Service (a camp program for selected youths in Malaysia) after college. There was this period of time where we would compete in different sports among the four companies. It was also the time when the teachers could see whether we would be good enough to be chosen to compete with the other camps. Being a sports lover, I joined basketball, netball and considered futsal as well. I thought I only have time to compete in basketball and netball but when it was over and futsal was still going on, my company-mates asked if I wanted to join them. So I joined and became the goal keeper for the last game. We didn't win but after the game, the teacher-in-charge approached me and asked if I would want to join the team. I told her I was interested but I have already said yes to basketball and considered netball as well. As the weeks went by and training was starting soon, we exchanged a few conversation to try to make it possible for me to be on the team. If all the competition was going on for the same slot, I could have been in all three teams. I was disappointed that I couldn't. Anyways, she didn't do much but she believed in me and that was what I needed when I was in camp. I was actually going through a tough time. I started to get depressed more and she was there at the right moment. 

---

I think that teachers play an important role in everyone's life. They are the ones who spend the most time in a child's life. They have the power to impact or destroy it. Honestly, I don't remember a lot of what they have taught me but I do remember how they made me feel. Good or bad.

 
One of the things I remember in one Malay tuition class was that there cannot be two "K's" if the word has a "ke-" on the front. In one English class, "may" is for most likely and "might" is for less likely.

To all the teachers out there, thank you for your hard work, your efforts, your patience and just everything in general. 

"Education is the key to success in life, and teachers make a lasting impact in the lives of their students." - Solomon Ortiz

"A teacher affects eternity; he can never tell where his influence stops." -Henry Adams

P.S. I did consider being a teacher before. 

Thanks for reading and have a nice day!

 

 

The escape

It never occurred to me until now why I was so interested in Alice in Wonderland and Peter Pan other than the costumes and set and the fact that I have ideas for several art piece. I was interested in the fact that both story is about going to another land. 

When I was in high school, all I ever wanted was to get out. Getting out of my situation, my location, etc. I felt stuck. I didn't get what I imagined high school to be. I wanted to escape and constantly wishing that I was somewhere else. Alice went into a world where things doesn't make sense but it does. Peter was in a land where he never had to worry about aging, being able to do anything he wishes and not worrying. I wanted to feel free and away from everyone and come into a place where I felt loved or even a place where I had true friends that I don't have to be fake around them. 

Growing up, I've always pretended. Faking my way through life. I try to not do that now but it's kind of hard to let go of something completely that you've been doing for years. I still feel that I need to pretend. The world wants me to smile so that they don't have to see my natural bitch face but I want to smile because I'm genuine about it. I want to smile for the real reasons. I want a smile that doesn't take a lot of energy to make. But the world always wins and I'm not happy. I really look forward to the day that I smile genuinely and say "I'm happy, I'm truly happy". 

 

Anyways, thank you for reading 

and I really hope and pray that you have a nice day.

The girl who grew and the boy who didn't

For the past few years I've been fascinated with Alice in Wonderland and Peter Pan especially with Alice in wonderland. I've never read the books on it but I have watched many versions of them. 

When I was a kid, I had a dream. Kind of like an additional story to Peter Pan which focused on the other characters. At first I was very sure I watched a movie of it because it was so vivid. From the costumes to the sets to the actors, it all felt real, exactly like a movie. Over the years, I've have searched all possible Pan related movies, videos or stories. I came back with non. I've accepted that it was indeed a dream, but if anyone has any information on it, please let me know. 

I've forgotten most parts because it ha been many many many years since it happened but the story goes something like this. There was a part on Tinkerbell. Being with Pan all those years, she fell in love with him. Then one day she was granted a wish, which was to be human or human sized. When the both of them finally met after she changed, he didn't quite recognized her but after spending some time together, he realized it was her. Days passed and she finally told him that she has loved him all these while. Pan rejected her (he was a kid and she was an adult, they couldn't be together anyways). She was upset and she turned back into a fairy. 

Then the other part was about Hook. Instead of being at sea, he was on land. He lived among the market area but at his "home" was a big empty circle land. Like in those movie where there were buildings surrounding a fountain except in Hook's story, there wasn't a fountain. It was sometimes transformed into those fight rings. (If you want to imagine it, it's like those 90s movie where they had bull or cock fight etc) Btw, the setting is like a dock but on land, complete with those cabin you see near the docks, with those wooden steps and barrels etc. Anyways one day, there was a fight show going on, Hook was minding his business when he hears that ticking sound. He grew scared. Turns out the crocodile he feared came into the ring. Hook came out and saw it. Then you know how the story goes with Hook and the crocodile. He runs, it tries to attack. Oh man, if you could see it, because I do a very bad job at explaining this to you. If I could illustrate it I would, but I'm bad at that too. I really hope this is a movie because I wanna "watch" it again. If this was a dream, I think I could have something to do with that movie I watched but forgot the title about a group of people in the safari or something who found new tiger pubs, raised them and somehow one of the cub was taken away and was raised as those animal they use for those fight show with other tigers. This one was a good movie I highly recommend. 

By the way, I drew a very nice picture of Peter Pan, the cartoon version, which was the only nice picture I could draw, til now. 

I've always been fascinated at costumes and when I watched the Alice in Wonderland movie version in 2010, I fell in love with it. Even though the main reason I first wanted to watch it was because of Avril Lavigne. I do plan to get the book though. I watched it a few times at this point. Loving Anne Hathaway in it and loving the costumes even more the more I watched it. When I was in college, for my final project in the first semester for the model making class, I didn't know what to do until one night I had a dream of an idea(these is how I get most of my art piece ideas fyi). It was Alice positioned like a trapeze artist in a box. I thought of adding "Eat Me", "Drink Me", Mad Hatter's hat and tea cup set. Being me and being unfamiliar with the material I used to make it, it didn't turn out the way I planned it although I had a good mark for it. Which is why I intend to recreate it, doing my best to create the closes to what I wanted it to be. 

Which leads me to my next point. I've planned a few art piece related to these two stories. Been doing a lot of research on both stories. I wanted to get all the facts right, from the story line to the characters to the costumes but after awhile, since there is so many versions of it especially Alice in Wonderland, I've decided to not be so caught up on it because it is an art piece and I can interpret it whichever way I want it to be. Alice has been my longest project on my mind and Peter has only been less than a year old. I was inspired to do Peter Pan when I heard "Neverland" by Zendaya. I recommend you go listen to it. 

The problem I have now is lack of time as I have projects coming in and out plus other ideas that come up but I'm very determined to get it done. I shall post it up when I finish it. Watch this space.

Thank you for reading!

Have a nice day!