Journey of recovery

I used to have lots of down days. I say "used to" because they used to happen (like a lot) but I hardly get them these days. Or at least I don't dwell in it.

I remember my childhood-high school days as very depressing. (I'm not trying to gain sympathy here but just telling the truth) I would cry myself to sleep, bang my head against the wall, punch the wall (although that failed pretty badly) and maybe kinda cut myself. I would have suicidal thoughts. I didn't want to live. I see no purpose. All I wanna do is skip ahead of time. It wasn't until the last year of high school that I told myself that I'm never going to think suicidal thoughts and focus on getting out of town so I can start fresh. I couldn't wait to go to college so my life would change for the better. 

So I did. I went to college. but I was still depressed. I keep telling myself, "Well, at least I won't kill myself". It wasn't doing any good to me. I remember telling my mom vaguely that I was sad. She did encouraged me to get over it but as any kid would do, I didn't listen to her. I thought that she doesn't understand me. Typical kid. There were days that I didn't want to get out of bed. I would only get out of bed for school, work or if I had appointments and maybe food. Speaking of food, during the first few years of college, I didn't eat a lot. My mum was worried that I wasn't eating at all, which was true, I didn't eat. Most days of the week. The only time I ate was when I was with friends. I didn't have the appetite to eat. I couldn't be bothered. That was one of the reason how I lost 20kg. Looking back, I can't imagine the old me not eating. Although I do skip a meal or two sometimes now but not on purpose. 

Things started getting better in July (I think) this year (or was it June... August??). I made that conscious effort to get out of bed. I hardly linger in bed now. I've searched for happy quotes. Trying to find my purpose in life and really doing something about it.

I've come to realized that everyday I get less depressed and I've got the internet to thank. I've been watching a lot of videos lately. From youtube to combination of vines to random videos. and also different posts. Buzzfeed being one of them. I'm amazed at how much awesomeness people come up with.

I guess what I really want to say is that, fill your life with happy things. Sure, there are some bad things, but look on the brighter side of life. There are days where I allow myself to be really upset but with the condition that I don't dwell in it. Find some encouragement. Get out. Fill your life with amazing things, amazing people. Surround yourself with good people. Push yourself to be better. Make that conscious effort to be better.

"It is a conscious effort to be better."

I like to think I've come a long way. I do think I have a long journey to go but a lot has changed come to think of it. Everyday is a new day and I don't want to waste it on feeling bad about myself.

 To those out there that are feeling depressed or similar to that, please do something about it. Personally, growing up, I didn't had anyone to talk to about my issues(or rather the right people) and that killed me even more. Keeping all of that inside. Don't give up. It gets frustrating and sometimes it feels that the world doesn't understand but do you want to change? Do you allow help? Talk to someone. Please.


Anyways, yeah, this is a small part of the story. My journey.

I look forward to say "That was my past and I'll never put myself in that situation anymore". There's so much to be joyful about.

Thank you for reading

and have a nice day!

Teachers

I know it isn't Teacher's Day but I just felt that I need to write this now.
I have a lot of teachers that have come into my life. Some I remember and some I don't.

These are the two main stories of the teachers that have made some sort of impact in my life. 

I have this Mathematics teacher that I love when I was 16-17. She was the best I ever had. I think I had her when I was 15 too, I don't remember. I love Maths btw. Sidetrack a bit, throughout my history of Maths teacher, they got better(in terms of teaching) and nicer(in terms of well, everything) as I grew older. I used to be pretty bad at it but once I started getting a better teacher, I actually got pretty good very fast and it was one of my top subjects. Anyways, back to this particular teacher. I think everyone liked her. Yeah she was nice to everyone but she was good at what she does too. I got closer to her when I told her I wanted to take Additional Maths as an extra subject for the major exam which is SPM. Moving from a Science class to an Art class (by choice), I have to take this class out of school hours. Everyone didn't like this subject as it was the hardest. I don't remember my reason for taking it. I guess because I love Maths so much. Knowing that I am good at Maths, she helped me in the progress of applying for it. Although I didn't follow through with it, she encouraged me all the way. She would make sure I continue to work hard. If my grades dropped a bit, she would help me out. If I had a question or problem, she would help me. She would joke around with her students and be serious when she needs to. Although she doesn't remember who I am anymore (even less than a year of graduation), I was happy that she was one of the teachers that made life in school a whole lot bearable. 

Fast forward to four years later when I went to National Service (a camp program for selected youths in Malaysia) after college. There was this period of time where we would compete in different sports among the four companies. It was also the time when the teachers could see whether we would be good enough to be chosen to compete with the other camps. Being a sports lover, I joined basketball, netball and considered futsal as well. I thought I only have time to compete in basketball and netball but when it was over and futsal was still going on, my company-mates asked if I wanted to join them. So I joined and became the goal keeper for the last game. We didn't win but after the game, the teacher-in-charge approached me and asked if I would want to join the team. I told her I was interested but I have already said yes to basketball and considered netball as well. As the weeks went by and training was starting soon, we exchanged a few conversation to try to make it possible for me to be on the team. If all the competition was going on for the same slot, I could have been in all three teams. I was disappointed that I couldn't. Anyways, she didn't do much but she believed in me and that was what I needed when I was in camp. I was actually going through a tough time. I started to get depressed more and she was there at the right moment. 

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I think that teachers play an important role in everyone's life. They are the ones who spend the most time in a child's life. They have the power to impact or destroy it. Honestly, I don't remember a lot of what they have taught me but I do remember how they made me feel. Good or bad.

 
One of the things I remember in one Malay tuition class was that there cannot be two "K's" if the word has a "ke-" on the front. In one English class, "may" is for most likely and "might" is for less likely.

To all the teachers out there, thank you for your hard work, your efforts, your patience and just everything in general. 

"Education is the key to success in life, and teachers make a lasting impact in the lives of their students." - Solomon Ortiz

"A teacher affects eternity; he can never tell where his influence stops." -Henry Adams

P.S. I did consider being a teacher before. 

Thanks for reading and have a nice day!